OAKLAND RAIDERS
Dear Raiders: Please Win

[Our correspondent Will Lose His Mind if Lane Kiffin and JaMarcus Russell can't Turn The Sun Back On in Raiderland.]

As an ever-optimistic Raiders fan, I keep seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, it keeps turning out to be the lamp of a freight engine, and I'm just a penny on the tracks.

Since that January in 2003 when our troubled center went missing into the night in Tijuana before Super Bowl XXXVII, we've been trudging along in the dark. From Bill Callahan to Randy Moss, from Robert Gallery to Art Shell, each new guide or beacon is found sorely wanting, poorly equipped to lead the lost and exhausted Raider Nation back to where the Sun Still Shines. Last year was the absolute nadir, as we dismally watched what may have been the worst-coached offense in the history of football.

The latest flickers of hope to warm the Yea Area this summer were sparked by the selections of new child-coach Lane Kiffin and #1 overall draft pick, JaMarcus Russell. Lane, the wunderkind plucked from USC, himself the son of successful NFL coordinator Monte Kiffin, was brought in to re-modernize the offense and shake-up the organization's culture; he put up an "I'm In" poster on the way to the training camp practice field and reporters let us know the veterans were buying whatever he was selling. JaMarcus, the tree-like QB from LSU with the laser cannon — a wowed John Gruden described his Pro Day workout as "Star Wars" — was picked a few weeks later in a noble attempt to once-and-for-all exorcise the horrid ghost of Todd Marinovich, the last QB the Raiders picked in the first round. With the offense thus juiced and a highly-touted defense returning complete, we started to sense a possible return to the sort of respectability which has been denied us for four long years.

Unfortunately, by early September this was starting to look naive. The Raiders lost their first home game against the similarly long-struggling Detroit Lions; the defense seemed overwhelmed and Russell was still unsigned in what had become one of the longest holdouts in recent NFL history. I hunkered down next to the tracks, waiting for the train's impact, figuring we were looking at another 2-14 season and the ultimate return of our touted Superman to next year's draft pool.

Oh, but the hope, it doth spring eternal-like. Within days of the soggy defeat by the Lions, it once again was burbling into the Bay. Russell flew out from Alabama, pronouncing himself "blessed" to sign a deal that could earn him nearly $70 million (if he earns all his performance bonuses). And oh how we hope he earns them!

Especially the ones tied to just winning, baby.

The reality, though, is that after missing the entire preseason, J.R. is unlikely to see much, if any, playing time this season. It also appears that our defense may have appeared more formidable last year than it really was because teams were able to take the air out of the ball and still beat a team which scored only 12 offensive touchdowns in 16 games.

Nevertheless, at the risk of looking like a fool for the third year in a row in this publication's pages, I am predicting a rebound year: Five to seven wins and at least two division victories. Why? Because I'm a fan! And also because I think middle linebacker Kirk Morrison is a local legend in the making, and D-Coordinator Rob Ryan is Old Skool Raidahs, and Kiffin and O-Coordinator Greg Knapp have brought back the West Coast offense which Just Makes Sense, and Tom Cable has the O-Line creating some nice holes for a renewed LaMont Jordan, with those cut blocking techniques that made Denver the running back factory it is today, and new fullback Justin Griffith is a 98 on Madden '07, and Ronald Curry is my favorite Raider and he caught 10 passes for 133 yards in the opener, and and and and … AND BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND TO WATCH ANY MORE DAMN LOSSES!

Seriously, this is crazy. We haven't beaten a division rival since 2004! We have won just 15 out of our last 66 games! That's 51 mind-numbing, hoarse-making, nerve-frazzling four-hour-plus defeats. It can't go on forever, can it? CAN IT???

No, it can't. Say it won't. Let it stop. I'll be good. Just make the pain go away. (As my girlfriend's toddler says when he wants a cookie: "Please? I pwomise, Mommy, I pwomise." )

Ultimately, it is up to two men to make the Raiders come alive, and Russell is not one of them. It is the Old Man, Al Davis, and The Kid, Lane Kiffin, who must come together like two mismatched cowboys, or maybe cops, in a buddy flick, you know, to overcome their differences to lead a new gang of pirates across the frozen tundra to recapture that Hamburger Hill in the deep blue sky while the Devil rings Hell's Bells and the Autumn Wind is a Raider …

Hell, the point is: I'm "in," and they better be, too, the bastids. RAIII-DAAAAAHSSSS!

Christopher Scheer is a teacher at Skyline High School in Oakland. The greatest disappointment of his childhood was sleeping through John Matuzak's visit (dressed as Santa Claus) to Oakland Children's Hospital.